Golden Rules of Fantasy Vol 1.
I have been playing fantasy football for 20 fucking years. That’s longer than some of you have been alive. Let me tell you, it hasn’t gotten any easier. Fantasy requires hard work, dedication, perseverance, determination, and skill…...and that still may not be enough. It’s fucking hard and if you’re a rookie, and you are not prepared, you will get eaten for lunch by guys like me. Fortunately for you, you’ve already made the best first move possible. You checked out the Truth Serum Football. Will that be enough to win your league? Maybe. But probably not. It all really depends on how much you decided to put into it.
Now I know it can be overwhelming starting out. I don’t take for granted how many different things there are to learn when you dive into fantasy football. It sure as hell wasn’t this complicated when I was in the seventh grade. One question I get a lot is, “Where the hell do I even start?” While there are infinite answers to that question, I have a set of Golden Rules that I live by. Stick to these, and you’ll already have a decent head start over the rest of the pack.
Golden Rule 1: Fantasy Football is Like Making Sex.
You don’t know exactly how to do it until you finally pop your cherry. Then you realize it’s your favorite fucking thing in the world and you can’t get enough. The more you do it, the better you get. Take risks when you’re desperate, and play it safe when you can.
Golden Rule 2: Get In Where You Fit In!
Raise your hand if you’ve never played fantasy football before and jumped in a random leauge lobby on ESPN just to get in an extra league. Now, put your hand down and stop lying. We all do it. Let those leagues lie. Most of them become burner leauges anyway. Find a good group of friends, have a live draft, and make that shit fun!
Golden Rule 3: Be THAT Guy.
Create a rivalry. Talk more shit than anyone in the room. Be obnoxious. Channel your inner Deion Sanders. Don’t target one team owner. Target them all. Every single one of those fuckers. Any clap backs should be taken very seriously and result in an immediate double down of previous shit talk. Pro Tip: This is way easier to do when your team doesn’t blow. So don’t suck.
Golden Rule 4: Your Team Name Fucking Matters
Nobody wants to play against Team Smith. Have some common courtesy and slap a name on that motherfucker. Please, entertain your league mates. You’re already going to be the league asshole, so might as well have a legendary fucking name on top of it. Be obscene, be vulgar, be obnoxious, hell, do all three. I believe in you.
Golden Rule 5: Seek Out Advice You Can Trust
Thank you for choosing Truth Serum Football. We love our fans, and we truly enjoy doing all of this. There are tons of other great people out there doing this just like us. We appreciate the support, but in the game of fantasy football, council is always best. I encourage you to find several analysts that you like and devour their content. Utilize that information to make the most informed decision that you can. This is your team, OWN it!